One year on since I lost my daughter to alleged femicide, I was invited to write a reflection. Queen Victoria’s Women’s Centre collaborated with RMIT painting graduates of 2024 for a tribute to a tribute exhibition, Rest In Power, coinciding with 16 day’s of activism. 11 day’s later I am writing this as it was and is a lot to absorb. When I first walked in I read Isla’s name alongside reels of orange ribbons, inviting the public to tie ribbons to honour those lost to femicide. A rage built up in me in seconds and I wanted to kick the bench! Rage being my secondary emotion that masks my constant sadness. My Mum entered and burst into tears, unusual for her yet cathartic in a public space. I referred to last years graduates as students but they are no longer, and simply people in the first place. Young, caring people whose hearts felt enough rage to catalyse it into meaningful art. Apathetic hearts are the enemy I think. RMIT lecturer’s articulated what was taken from Isla in way’s that I could not. It was healing. Many people admitted they were not good with words yet what they had to say felt like poetry with a lingering and lasting impact. Minister Tim Richardson, parliamentary secretary for Men’s Behaviour Change was there too. We are autonomous beings and we get to choose how we turn up in the systems we live and work in. I got more out of attending this opening than I have all year. Healing can not be an isolated process for the individual, we must heal together. Feeling proud of Victoria’s ambitious “Free From Violence” strategy is a step in the right direction yet I believe does not deserve an applause or hyper validation. Ambition alone means nothing. Women have been cultivating virtues living within our culture of toxicity in an attempt to literally keep themselves and their children alive. Forced to maintain and nurture abusive men in order to protect themselves and their children as best they can whilst running marathons engaging in our broken system that protects perpetrators to this day. Women respond with, “enough,” whilst men react with more violence. Men have grown accustomed to such dynamics and rely on women to be their only source of validation. This is not natural and unsafe practice. It is imperative for men to learn how to validate themselves and each other. It is important for women stop doing so…I no longer have the energy to validate men for doing the right thing. Men doing the right thing should be culturally normalised and it won’t be at this rate if we the people don’t engage with ourselves and each other differently. The lack of funding is appalling but funding alone won’t change this. Gendered roles and normalised power dynamics haven’t changed as much as I had hoped for. It seems as though men can pick and choose when they want to be emotionally responsible, respectful and accountable. I think a step in the right direction is learning how to grieve and heal together, not in isolation. Do we turn up at events as the politician, lecturer, CEO or as the person? A thinking, feeling person that has the capacity to absorb emotion, feel uncomfortable and share that with others lightning the emotional load. Emotional labour is everybody’s business. It can’t be one of us, it has to be all of us.
